Will they still like me if I say "No"?

When I work with people who bring to sessions the topic of establishing stronger and healthier #boundaries, I often discover that the main reason why people keep accepting things that they actually don’t want is fear. Fear of being abandoned or not liked anymore. 

In this blog post, I will focus more on boundaries at work. 

The importance of setting boundaries at work

Allowing others to step over the boundaries comes in many different forms.

It can be working extra hours and not being compensated for it, volunteering too often to take on duties that are beyond the role and are not really contributing to career development, regularly saving a colleague who can’t finish all their tasks on time, always being available to give a “quick” answer or fix the problem even though others could do it themselves if they put some effort, quickly responding to e-mails or messages even late in the evening, working on weekends…and that’s only examples from professional life.

People who allow others not to respect their boundaries in one area of life often also do it in other areas of life or vice versa - are ruthlessly strict about boundaries to make sure they are always available to the area of life they have set as a priority - consciously or not.

Understanding the roots of boundary issues

The reasons why people act this way are often rooted in childhood if parents were always working or busy with some tasks, and long-lasting beliefs, for example, you have to work hard and long hours to make a living, it’s better to be demanded and needed than free and flexible, or people like you only if you are useful to them.

But is it actually the only truth? Does it have to be that way? And who is there to decide how will it be in your life? 

Benefits of setting boundaries at work (and not only)

What my clients often discover, when they start experimenting with setting boundaries at work and in their personal lives and standing up for themselves, is that people actually start respecting them more, that nobody takes it personally if they manage expectations of their capacity and availability, and it can even inspire others to stand up and set boundaries for themselves, and it can encourage other people to take initiative, learn, grow and increase their personal efficiency. 

The reality is that people are quite lazy in their nature. Our subconscious is set not to waste energy on things that don’t have to be done. That’s why people procrastinate until the deadline is pushed or they have finally come up with a clear and effective action plan on how to complete the task. That is also why people naturally test each other’s boundaries - how far they can push the other person to do tasks for them and save their own energy. This is a natural process. But then it’s up to each of us to decide how much energy and time we are willing to invest in each area of our lives and keep those boundaries firm. Because no one else will do it for us. Not because they don’t respect us necessarily, more because it’s simply in human nature.  So will people like you less if you say no to them in situations where you usually say yes? The ones who want to use you - probably yes, because they will need to find someone else to use. But those who genuinely like you for who you are authentically and not for what you do for them - will celebrate your growth with you and will feel inspired to grow as well. So is it worth risking it to finally say "no" when you mean "no"? Probably, yes...

Are you ready to explore your boundaries and draw clear lines that align with your personal goals and vision for life? Reach out to book a free discovery call.